Getting There

It wasn’t a painful trip but there were many modes of transport on our way to Hoi An. Each connection to the airport was already paid and organized. We just had to hop on and off with our bags. A bus picked us up from our place in Cat Ba and drove us to the ferry. Once we got off the ferry we boarded another bus that took us to a random stop in Hai Phong where a taxi was waiting to take us on the 15 minute ride to Cat Bi International Airport. We arrived with one hour to kill before boarding.

Once landing in Hoi An we caught a taxi to an area just outside the Ancient Town. We didn’t book a room ahead of time, but we had done some preliminary sussing of areas that looked well positioned so we just had our driver drop us off and we began walking. It was early evening when we arrived so we ended up staying a night at a place that would have been perfect had the room not faced the road with paper thin walls (insert constant honking and street noise from 5 am onward). They had no other rooms so the next day we went on the hunt for a new spot to stay. We ended up finding a sweet place for only $34.00 a night that was really quiet and extremely clean. By extremely clean I mean the room was brand new. They had just taken stickers off the appliances. We loved it. Since we were having clothes made here so we knew we would need a good three or four more days to find a tailor, go through fittings, and post everything home. We were pleased that we had such a lovely place to stay during that time. We ended up spending seven nights.

Land of Tailors

We wanted to get some suits made while in Hoi An and I had been doing some reading to figure out which places we should look more closely at. There are hundreds of tailors and they are all within spitting distance of each other. It’s very overwhelming. I was glad I had done some preliminary research. Through online reviews and blogs I had narrowed it down to 4 places. Kimmy, A Dong, Bebe, and Ha Na. A guy on the street also gave us a card for Ba Ri and he was really nice so we stopped in there as well. We started with Ha Na, which was the only real small place I had on my list. It is a family shop run primarily by two sisters. The reviews online had been great and a few blogs talked about them in detail. I had also read that the quality of their fabrics where good.

It’s one thing to find a good tailor but you also want good fabric and we had been warned of places that carried subpar fabrics with high amounts of synthetic blends. In fact at Ha Na they were very honest in telling another customer that they did not carry 100% silk, and that in fact there was only one shop in Hoi An that did so as it was just too expensive. If a shop told you otherwise then they were lying. I liked the feel of the place. It was small and it wasn’t overly busy. A few people came and went that were in the midst of having clothes made but it wasn’t a turnstyle type place.

After Ha Na we checked out Ba Ri. This place was definitely not a small family business. It was a well oiled machine. They had tons of ladies working there and just as many books with photos of examples of clothing. We spent some time talking to a few of the ladies and they were lovely and the customers seemed happy, but I wasn’t sure about the quality of their fabrics and it felt a bit like a factory with people constantly streaming in and out.

The other larger more well established shops lacked any personal feel whatsoever. They were far more polished to appeal to Westerners, and much more expensive.

In the end we went with our gut and chose Ha Na. We worked primarily with just the one sister (Gna) and she was wonderful. She took an incredible amount of measurements and was great with guiding us through the process. Andre ended up getting 3 suits and 1 tuxedo (they threw in 2 tux shirts for free) and I got one suit. He lives in suits and I haven’t worn one in many years so I figured I’d start with one and see how I liked it. The ladies keep your measurements on file so that if you would like to you can order more items later on and have them shipped directly to your home. Andre paid $650.00 for his suits and I paid $200.00 for my 3-piece suit. A few days later I saw another suit on a mannequin that I really liked. There are very few shops that have examples of women’s suits on display, mostly they have dresses, jackets and more casual clothing. I popped into that shop to ask about pricing and the woman quoted me $160.00 Canadian for three pieces. I had not done any research on the place and just went for it. We were happy with the way everything turned out and I would definitely recommend Ha Na to people visiting Hoi An. 

Shipping

We had enough stuff to lug around already so we went straight to the Vietnam Post Office to ship all of our things home. There was almost no cost difference between shipping airmail (3-4 weeks) and sending a package by sea. We paid $230.00 to post everything home. Along with our suits we also sent home some bags. Andre had been looking for a work bag for years (yes, he’s that particular). Something between a slender briefcase and a computer bag. There are a lot of places that make custom leather goods and he actually found a bag he liked… almost. With a few adjustments it would be perfect. He ended up having 2 beautiful leather bags made. One black and one brown. I will admit I was jealous and thought about getting one made in a midnight blue. They were gorgeous and only $55.00 each. Dammit! Why did I not get one?!

I did buy a few clutches though. Vietnam is full of fakes of all the high end brands. I don’t care about labels but I do like bags and a decent looking cheaper clutch back home usually runs around $60.00 at least. They offered to make me the same clutches on display but without the fake names on them, but they would cost more, so I just bought the knockoffs. I grabbed a cream Prada, a red Prada, and a checked Louis Vuitton for $65.00. If you were coming to Vietnam for a short holiday and going directly back home you could easily fill a second suitcase here. Had this been the case with us I would likely of had some dresses and jackets made as well.

Land of Lanterns

Hoi An really shines at night. Literally. It is beautiful to see all the boats lit up at night and all the lanterns stung down the streets. Like Hanoi, this place has more traffic than I care for and just as much honking, but in the evening they close off certain streets for foot traffic only. Well, actually, they do allow the bicycle rickshaws which is a bit annoying but at least they don’t honk. They just yell. You can take a lantern lit boat ride but they don’t go very far and the water way is packed with them. I found it more enjoyable to sit outside one of the many restaurants with a margarita in hand and watch them all drift past.

Let’s Eat

The night markets are always busy. You can get a variety of different food from street carts. We tried a number of local favorites both from street carts and restaurants.

Bánh tráng nướng is like a little pizza for one. Its base is a circular sheet of rice paper which goes onto the grill. Then an quail egg (or five) gets spread across the top of the paper, followed by toppings such as spring onion, shrimp, minced pork or sliced sausage, and pho mai cheese. Finally chili sauce and mayo are drizzled on top. Really delicious and I love how crispy it is.

We also went to a restaurant to try bánh xèo. Andre called these the Vietnamese tacos. These are rice flour pancakes filled with shrimp, pork, spring onions, bean sprouts, and shredded papaya with cucumber slices. The pancakes are made with tumeric which gives them a bright yellow colour. Our table was filled with dishes containing all items used to construct these “tacos”. You start with a piece of rice paper, through on your yellow pancake, stuff it with everything else on the table and then fold it together. My favorite food is condiments so I was very happy that these came with a delectable dipping sauce.

Andre loves bánh mì (baguettes filled with meat and pickled vegetables), so we tried out a few places for these. I would get mine with tofu when possible and if not then I’d just get veggies only. With the other dishes I mentioned I would just opt for shrimp and skip the pork, but many would argue that bánh mì really isn’t bánh mì without the meat. I would agree. One place did a really great job with a very flavorful tofu which I enjoyed, but on the whole I would say that the flavour of the pickled vegetables wasn’t enough to have me craving this very popular sandwich.

White rose dumplings are another thing we saw on many menus. They are filled with shrimp or pork and then steamed and topped with crispy onions and fresh chili. They were okay but nothing that I would seek out.

 

Coffee Talk

I love my coffee and I love it piping hot. Except for when it is over thirty degrees outside. Luckily Vietnam has amazing iced coffee. Cà phê sữa đá provides the perfect buzz that only caffeine and sweetened condensed milk can. The only down side to this beverage, aside from from the rapid heart palpitations, body tremors, and sugar sweats, is that they just don’t give you enough. With a glass full of ice I could polish these down in a few big sips. I suppose there is a reason behind the small serving, like them not wanting your heart to explode in their establishment, but I should get to decide if I want to take that risk. The customer is always right, right?! 

Is Andre Secretly Famous?

I have mentioned in some previous posts that we have had Chinese tourists approach us and ask us to be in their photos. Well Hoi An had plenty of Chinese tourists and again we had people approach us… But this time there was one difference. They really only wanted Andre. They were kind enough to include me in the first photo but then they would all want their turn with just Andre. I was strangely offended and did not enjoy this new phenomenon. Everyone knows I am the much, much younger and better looking one. In fact, recently while on holidays with our good friend Swerda, he said that I would definitely place in the top ten of the most beautiful transvestites we had seen in Mexico. Thank you Swerda! Anyway, they clearly did not see that I was top ten material and I was quickly pushed aside and Andre was surrounded.

 

One evening a man literally grabbed him by the arm and pulled him into a group photo and then every single person in their posse wanted their own picture with him. Grandma was the biggest fan. She may have been a tiny, harmless looking lady, but she had very hungry eyes. I was prepared to surrender him. For a fee. Luckily for him, her English was terrible and no deal was struck.

Next Level Tailoring

I can honestly say I have never seen so many matching couples in my life. There were tons of clothing stores and tailors that all carried the same type of stock. You see shop after shop of the same pants, tops, dresses. Same material, same cut. In terms fabrics there are lots of patterned and wild looks. One of the most popular is the banana print. There were way too many people dressed in head to toe banana clothes! By way too many, I mean more than one. But truly, we saw several people each day dressed like fruit salad.

We saw couples wearing all sorts of matching outfits. Some straight off the rack, others tailor made. There were a lot of ladies wearing custom made áo dáis with partners donning an outfit with matching material. The traditional Vietnamese dress is stunning, but I wouldn’t have Andre wearing something in the same fabric as me. First of all he would obviously refuse. Secondly, I clearly don’t need that level of competition since he is already much more popular here than I am. It would be humiliating to lose to my boyfriend in the “who wore it better?” competition.

Where You From?

This innocent, friendly question is the classic opener in Hoi An. The conversation always starts off nicely with seemingly genuine interest, but very quickly turns into a sales pitch. After asking where your from everyone then wants to know how long your staying, where you’re staying, and where you’ll go next. Do you want to be shown around the area? Do you have a ride there? Do you want some clothes made? There was not one single local who initiated an interaction with us without wanting to sell us something, and as soon as they realized we weren’t buying they wanted nothing to do with us.

I understand that everyone is just trying to survive and they need to hustle to make money and the competition is fierce but it just got to be really disheartening. Especially how quickly friendly smiling faces would go dead flat and dismissive when there was no money to be made.

Even a trip to the convenience store was a chore. I started calling it the inconvenience store. Every bloody time we’d pop in the lady working there would try to sell us more things and continually asked about tailoring and taxis. One day after trying to pay for our things for a good five minutes and getting nothing but sales pitches Andre actually had to flat out ask her if she was going to sell him the items or if we should go across the street. We ended up having to leave and bought our things from another shop. It was just too much.

I probably would have bought some more clothing but I just didn’t have the energy to do the dance. As you pass by shops, without even so much as a glance at the entrance, people yell at you to come take a look. If you dare to look at something on display as you pass they are beside you immediately trying to get you to come in. You don’t dare touch a pair of pants. You will be shown every other style and colour within moments. You can tell them you are just looking and don’t need help but they will stay glued to you and continue to tell you about all the other things you can try. Many stand so close they are almost touching you. I like my personal space so I found this extraordinarily uncomfortable. The one exception was the food markets. Hardly any tourists purchase things here so no one will approach you unless you show some interest.

The other thing that put me off was that any time you ask a price, the first amount is generally 4 times what they are actually willing to take. I asked around about a pair of pants at a few shops. Most started at 450 Dong and I ended up buying them for 150. On that particular afternoon I was by myself and took my time and just had fun with it. But if you’re not in the right frame of mind it can feel frustrating to constantly have to low ball people because you know they are seriously overcharging you.

I liked the lady I bought my clutches from. She worked really hard, just like everyone else, to sell to me when I told her I was only looking. I told her (honestly) that I really was just looking around but that if I did end up buying I would come back to her. Instead of looking pissed off, which is the default face you get when not buying, she just looked super disappointed. She was very happy when I returned later on and bought from her. We also ended up booking a taxi through her for our trip to Da Nang.

Karma

Karma Group that is. An international hotel and resort company owned by English entrepreneur & hotelier, John Spence. So it all started one afternoon following a fitting at Ha Na. We were heading home when two guys pulled up beside us on a motorcycle. They said they were doing promotions for a company and gave Andre a scratch card. They offered me one but I said that we would just take the one. They were quite insistent on me taking one as well. They said it was a couples promotion. So I took one. Andre won a ball cap. I scratched mine and it said that I was eligible for a $250.00 cash, a new iPhone, or a one week paid vacation.

In order to claim our prizes, you guessed it, we had to go with them and sit through an information session. Andre was very blunt and basically said that if they were feeding us a bunch of crap to get us somewhere and it wasn’t as they said we would up and leave so they were wasting their time. They were pretty up front and explained to us that they got commission and if we could just sit and listen and pretend we were interested for half an hour that would be great.

For some reason we decided to do it. We got there and proceeded to chat with a very painful sales woman. At one point she actually asked us how we met. Andre laughed and asked her if she seriously wanted to know these details. She driveled on for a good half an hour before Andre lost his patience and politely told her to get to the point. She then went on to show us a million photos of all of their properties and every other detail aside from the cost. Andre finally flat out told her to give us the pricing. At this request she called over some bloke who had more experience and they went through this together. It was your typical time share crap. If we bought in now it would cost ten grand. If we waited it would go up to eighteen.

Neither one of us are impulsive buyers nor are we overly interested in only holidaying in spots where such properties are positioned. We prefer off the beaten path. They were polite enough when we declined but the guy was still trying to make us feel like we were fools for passing up such a great offer. He was a much better salesperson than Chatty Kathy but his logic had a lot of holes that I sort of wanted to debate with him, but having lost the will to live after this drawn out experience I put a cork in it and we were sent to the front desk to collect our prize.

I scratched the second portion of my card. What a surprise! It was a free one week holiday at one of their establishments. What are the odds? 100%? Of course this prize could only be claimed after two months had passed and then you were not guaranteed a date or place. You select your top three options out of only a handful of their properties and they will try to accommodate you. Oh, and we would also need to agree to sit through another information session during that one week. That’s a hard pass.

In the end, we walked away with the useless vacation voucher, an ugly ball cap, and a coupon for $600,000 Dong at a massage place. We definitely needed a massage after this.

The Massage

So we had endured the hour and half long torture session at Karma the day before, but at least today we could relax and go for a lovely massage. Our coupon was enough for each of us to have a one-hour full body massage but we decided to get 90 minute massages to match the time we had suffered for.

We have had countless massages in Asia. Most places have just hanging sheets separating the beds and most beds are just mats on the floor, but the massages have been wonderful. I prefer the Thai massage to the Khmer massages in Cambodia, but both are great in that they really stretch you out. It’s like someone doing yoga for you. We hadn’t yet had a massage in Vietnam and so we just went for the standard full body option. I should also mention that in Thailand and Cambodia we were always given fisherman pants and a loose top to wear for the massage because their traditional massages do not use oil, your body is highly manipulated, and they are both conservative countries. 

We were led to our room which had walls and a door and proper massage tables. The tables just had thin sheets on them and we stood waiting to get our change of clothes. To our surprise they didn’t give us anything to wear and simply asked us to take our clothes off and get on the beds. I started to slowly undress thinking they would be exiting the room in a moment, but they didn’t. They just stood there as we got naked and climbed onto the beds. We both had our undies on but I wear Hanky Panky things so they barely count. As I laid my head into the face hole I realised there saw no cushion for it. My tiny bean was small enough to go through it which meant my neck and throat were somewhat pushed into the table. Oh well.

The following 90 minutes were worse than the time we had spent at Karma. As she worked on my back, stepping on me with her full body weight, my trachea was crushed into the table and I had to stiffen up to keep my windpipe open. As she moved down my back she pulled my undies so far down they may as well have been off. She started rubbing my bottom like she was the Karate Kid. Wax on Wax off. No good elbows or pressure just pulling apart those cheeks as she continued to go in circles. It’s pretty hard to relax when your butt hole is clenched that tightly!

Okay, the legs had to be better. No. She did give them a decent rub while I was on my back, but that was short lived and then I had to flip over for the second half, and that’s when the Thai style of stretching came into play. Let’s just say I’ve felt less violated when making direct eye contact and chatting with a physician while they perform an internal examination. It was truly disturbing. Looking back I can’t believe I didn’t say anything. Perhaps I was just in shock.

After having our naked body contorted into a dozen highly unattractive positions, which render the modesty bed sheet useless, we dressed in complete silence. This time they left the room! When I finally made eye contact with Andre I simply mouthed the words WTF?

As we walked home we compared notes and Andre laughed at how insane it was. It wasn’t so bad for him. He was wearing boxer briefs, and although his were also yanked way down and he too got the Karate Kid treatment, for the rest of it he wasn’t fully exposed. He’s also fortunate that he’s a small A cup so he didn’t have to worry about his boobs getting snagged during the upper body stretching portion.

I laugh now, kind of, but it was actually traumatic. Once we got home I nearly took an Ativan. My throat was killing me making it seem hard to breathe and I felt quite violated. Andre convinced me to settle for a stiff rum and coke. I had a couple of them and went to sleep.

Hoi An in a Nutshell

Would we go back to Hoi An? No. Not unless it was strictly to get clothes made. It is very beautiful along the water and the lanterns and lights are lovely but it is blown out. I felt like I was viewed as simply a consumer. I was a dollar sign and nothing more. We have traveled to many poor areas in the world but I’ve never felt the way I felt in Hoi An. I feel terrible writing that, because I am very aware that I come from a country of wealth and privilege and I cannot begin to know the struggles of growing up in Vietnam. But the reality is that I didn’t make a single meaningful connection with anyone there. If I can’t connect and share moments with people without expectation I don’t see the point. That being said, this was not at all our experience in Cat Ba, so we will see what the next few stops have in store for us.

179 days in…

Now to Da Nang to meet some friends for New Year’s Eve!