Endings

Sometimes things come to an abrupt end.

It’s been years now since I’ve written anything. A year of travel ended after 256 days. Not a bad run. Abrupt but not unexpected. We continued on from place to place knowing that any day we might have to call it quits. I wrote for a bit after arriving home to Canada, but COVID was hard, and honestly, although I felt I had things to write about, I just couldn’t summon up the energy.

I have never gone back into my posts to read them, but I did recently start looking through the photos. It was hard. For many reasons. I sit here now, with a newfound energy to write. I do miss it. It feels good to sit in front of my computer again. I never wrote for anyone except myself really, to look back on in time. I knew some friends and family would read and I hoped it would entertain them, but the main goal was to have a place to keep my memories. I have a terrible memory. I think that’s why I’ve always been so crazy about taking photos and videos. I was surprised when I looked at my analytics to see that people were still there, reading, looking at photos after all these years… it gave me a little extra push.

Despite the push, it still feels a bit daunting. Like I’m starting from scratch. Again. Starting from scratch seems to be a theme over the last three years. I should probably go back to where my last post left off. There is so much ground to cover but I don’t feel I can just skip over things.

After hanging out in Calgary and Victoria, we finally got our home back. It felt great. We loved our home and had missed it a lot. It was just this perfect little place. Andre had done such an amazing job with the renovations and we had everything just the way we liked it. It was our little paradise. I think I unpacked the entire place in 2 days. I just couldn’t stop. I’m one of those people who unpacks from their trip as soon as they get home and immediately starts the laundry, unless I arrive home at some ungodly hour. So it wasn’t surprising to anyone that I went at it and didn’t stop until every last thing was back in it’s place.

I knew coming home that I wasn’t going back into the classroom. I think I knew it the last day I taught, right before we flew out on our adventure, but I didn’t want to officially resign until I came home. And that’s what I did. I loved my kids, I loved my team, and I loved my families. But, I did not love all the bullshit that came with the job. In the end I knew it was a job where I would burn out, where I had in fact already burnt out. That was it. I needed a change. It’s scary to leave the security of a permanent position, not to mention at a moment in time when people were losing their jobs, but I knew it had to be done.

I started applying for jobs in June. I was happy to enjoy the summer off, but I wanted to be working again by September. Hahahahahaha. Who leaves their guaranteed position during a pandemic and expects to land in another career right out the gate? This lady. Well, for someone who has never even really had to apply for a job before, I was given a very large slice of humble pie. In the end, I applied for over 50 jobs. A few that I was under-qualified for, many I was over-qualified for, and a couple I seemed 100% perfect for. Crickets. It was more than just depressing. It was demoralizing. I started to wonder if these cover letters I spent hours on were even being looked at, or if some system was just ousting me based on preliminary questions. In the end I finally got a call in January of 2021! It was the only call I got after 8 months of silence. The role was Associate Consultant for Learning and Development for Covenant Health. Turns out one phone call was all I needed. After my first interview I knew this was the perfect transition for me. After the second interview, with the entire team, I knew I would be crushed if I didn’t get it.

I got it.

Beginnings

Travel had ended. My career that I had worked and studied tirelessly for had ended. This was the beginning of something better. A new chapter. I was so happy. It was such a relief to find something so suited to my passion and skills. The excitement of not having a career where I would never be “off”, would never be able to give enough, would work 24/7. Done.

When I was teaching I was never truly present in other places and times. I was always thinking about my kids, and that’s my own fault. I will own that. For someone with my personality (all or nothing), it’s not a job you can do and then switch off. It’s part of why I left. Andre and I had discussed this many times. It was hard on him and I knew it. He carried the weight of household duties without a doubt. There were endless evenings that I worked while he made dinner. I worked while we watched TV. I worked while…

Life was going to be so much better. Things were going to be different. 

It turns out I had no idea how different.

I don’t know how to write the next bit. It still makes me cry. To be fair, anyone who knows me knows I cry easily. I’m super good at it. A friend recently sent me this and told me I needed it. It’s true. Pretty much any emotion that’s over a 6/10 results in immediate eye leakage.

I was meant to start my job on Wednesday, February the 3rd. Tuesday morning Andre told me he didn’t think we should be together anymore. I didn’t see it coming. Maybe I should have. No relationship is perfect, but I felt ours was pretty fucking great.

I moved out the same day. We settled financially within a week and we have never spoken since. Maybe it’s super unhealthy, but I just had to pretend he was dead. I know that’s harsh but it was easier, is still easier most of the time, to think he simply isn’t here. I had to stop my brain from all the what ifs and this was the only way I could do that. 

I have never been so grateful for my amazing family and friends. 

That’s all I really want to say about it. These things happen. Things end. I’ve never been angry, except for a few fleeting moments. Mostly I was just devastated. I was in a very bad place for a really long time.

The Best Decision I’ve Ever Made

Professionally speaking. I’ve never looked back and missed being a classroom teacher. I do miss the kids. I don’t miss the job. 

I love my new career. I love the people I work with. Our team is amazing. I get to do a mix of creative work, problem solving, and teaching. I could not have landed in a better place. I’ve been there for 3 years now and am proud of myself for having the guts to walk away from a career I worked so hard for. I’d gotten my degree, a Masters of Special Education, and a Masters of Education in Information Communication Technologies. It’s not easy to walk away from something you’ve dedicated so much time and energy to. I don’t often high five myself, but for this decision I do. 

Three years on and so much has changed. I feel fairly settled into what still often feels like a new life. It was a lot of change at once. A different career, different home, no partner, a questionable amount of plants. It’s a very different life, but with the same wonderful friends and my beautiful family. It was hard for all of them to watch me struggle. I think there were a few times they thought they may need to hold an intervention… They were always there though and I don’t know how I would have coped without them. It was a loss for them too. They all loved Andre. I feel very fortunate to still have a relationship with his mom and dad and many of his friends that became my friends over the years. Life is good, but it is different. I am different. 

It has been 3 years and 5 months since my last post. I haven’t travelled much in this time, with COVID, purchasing a new home, renovating… but at this moment I am back in Australia. My second home. I am sitting at my girlfriend’s dining table looking out at the ocean.

I feel like I have things to write about now.